On fame

What is fame but a vice traversing between two restless minds, the one that seeks what itself cannot generate in its own moral mirror, and the other that gives away precious time in generating it for the one instead of sharpening its own intellect. For the former, seeking fame stimulates anxiety, while for the latter giving fame stimulates emptiness of itself and jealousy on the former. Thus, fame as its own vice generates two other vices, anxiety and jealousy. The shortest route to self-discovery is the contempt of fame.

A brief and simple excuse

Brevity and Simplicity - two qualities that I have come to admire very much in everything that I try to do these days, and in every walk of my own complex life. So much so that these two are the best reasons I can ever give for any of my shortcomings in the once-profound capacity for writing I used to love about myself (or so I console my alter-ego to whom writing meant everything!). There! A brief and simple excuse for a long and complex shortcoming!

Growth and contentment

 It's tough trying to be a strict adherent of a philosophical way of life in these modern times, especially the school of Stoicism, but I'm never giving up on the journey. I can confidently say that every day is a betterment. But it's almost like I need an alter-ego to embrace the principles of a stoic way of life on the one hand, and trying to gel with the society, trying to play the role of an active social animal with all the likes/dislikes, differences, opinions and so on, on the other hand. But there is a purpose and a set of moral principles and guidelines I try to follow in every thing I do and in the way I try to live. Getting better at those never stops, it's a journey with scope for continuous betterment. I strive to keep that in check as much as I can so that the compromise between my stoic self and the social animal is a peaceful acceptance and a pleasant co-existence. As always, there is Seneca to the rescue and guidance:

One's life should be a compromise between the ideal and the popular morality. People should admire our way of life but they should at the same time find it understandable  - Letter V, Letters from a Stoic

This is how I learn and strive to strike a balance between being humbled & contented with what life throws at me (as a proper stoic disciple should) and working to grow as a better social animal. The alter-egos will eventually merge at some point when I will have surrounded myself with like social animals and we don't have a veil of compromise between us

The intentional skip

 What sticks as a habit, a good habit, is a curious longing to get back to doing what is an irresistible act of practice that shapes us to be a better person by the day. The best way I have found to test the stickiness and urge to develop a good habit is to intentionally skip practising it for a couple of days in the peak of the development process. To me, it's a good yardstick for what I believe matters to me as a good habit worth developing. As my Stoic learnings develop more roots upon which to stand my soul firmly, I often remind myself of Seneca's lesson - cultivate an asset which the passing of time itself improves. I'm putting it into practice day by day to make it a personal test I assess myself on often. A true liking to develop an asset urges me to resume the specific practice, unable to hold off any longer. So far so good.

The pivot called soul

 I believe in soul. My faith, lineage, religious upbringing and a resurgent personal spiritual realignment all aside, I believe the concept of soul is a major life-critique. The idea of a soul, in my opinion, gives us the ability to project our life out of the physical realm of the body it inhabits and makes us reflect on our inner self with a critical lens. And when we examine our lives that way, the good and the bad are easily discernible. We cannot escape our own critique. We cannot force the mirror called soul to reflect what is not in us. From those innumerable reflections of all our actions, qualities and character, we are able to chisel away our imperfections to bring out the best of the goodness in us, step by step. Truth is the only source of life for the soul. Anything done in accordance with the eternal truth of the natural laws is the pivot that holds the individual self on its course without deviating from its path to the supreme truth. It is the only way to guide the soul effortlessly on to its merger with the supreme, to the individual jeevāthma to merge with the paramāthma, to the path of the adhvaitin

The hand sanitizer man

Nearly two years ago, I met a stranger at the Guindy Snake Park. I had taken my nephews, 9 and 6, on an exhibition there that included handling of reptiles including some rare kinds of lizards, snakes and tortoises. There was this man, probably older than me, with his son who was about the same age as my elder nephew. As the exhibition began, kids were encouraged to handle the reptiles and were given turns. As soon as my nephews finished their turn handling a tortoise, a rock python and a sand boa, I applied hand sanitizer and made them rub it all over their hands for a good minute. This man was curious and asked me what it was. It was quite a surprise to me. I would've normally expected someone like him to know what it is. When I told him what it was briefly, his face lit up and he asked 'How does this work? Is this available generally or in pharmacies only? Is it safe? Is it costly?' and so on. That it needed no washing with water was a revelation to him. But more than the questions themselves, it was the look on his face that I can never forget. It wasn't his questions or his lack of knowledge that was surprising to me. It wasn't his ignorance of the thing, but the innocence of his demeanor that unsettled me. For being generally taciturn to strangers, I felt surprised at how long I spoke with him on this small matter. After he admitted that he was actually excited about this and was going to buy some for his son, we went our own ways. I felt a tinge of joy, maybe even a tinge of unnecessary pride, that I taught a stranger a small new thing.

Since the start of COVID-19, whenever I have had to apply some hand sanitizer, his face pops up in my mind promptly and briefly. But today, he's lingering in my mind more than I want him to. I hope he and his son are safe. I hope he got to buy it and use it for his family. If he did, that's enough joy for me from this simple thing

A friend in need

A friend in need is a friend indeed, not because (s)he is available in times of need, but because (s)he preempts when (s)he might be needed and is always ready! A true friend is always prescient and lives inside the minds of the needy, but it should not be a matter of pride. One should never take pride in the fact that (s)he has been a needed friend. Pride kills the spirit of true friendship

The exercise called gratitude

Gratitude is an exercise for the soul that's just as important as physical exercise is for the body. Just as training against gravity strengthens the body, training gratitude daily against the gravity of life strengthens the soul

Of common man's clichés and truth

Is it because the common man's life is a journey of clichés that the clichés become his truth, or is it because his many paths to the truth in life are so clichéd that the truth itself becomes a cliché?

Of struggle & strengths

The point of any struggle is not overcoming the struggle itself, but acquiring the courage to withstand it while it lasts, and the will to see it through while it passes. For the actual point of the struggle passing is but a fleeting moment, but the courage and will acquired are lasting strengths

Of constancy & curiosity

Life is a game of opposites & compromises, of constancy of personal principles and a curiosity for social change. In most of the human endeavors that deal with the matters of the heart, it's either the constancy or the curiosity that gains the upper hand, but one does not win over the other, and almost always need each other to appreciate both the presence & absence of each other. And in these testing times, we need a constancy of gratitude for all the blessings bestowed upon each of us, and a curiosity for the betterment of oneself and humanity as a whole. Those of us who are lucky to be in good health, have a job and are taken care of with the necessities of life need to feel the gratitude for the good things that life has bestowed on us, while constantly striving for our betterment, and being curious and caring for the unlucky ones to change their lives one day & one thing at a time.

The loop of acceptance

As much as we have convinced ourselves and accepted the fact that these are tough times, for work, for businesses, for families and for the communities, and that the new normal is totally abnormal, I retrospect a little bit in a differnet frame of mind and find that this has been a time of blessing. There has never been a better time to count the true blessings in life for what they teach us about life, and death. Life is only meaningful because the discerning eye defines purpose. Because in death, there is no discrimination or purpose.

It's surprising, and worth retrospecting, how our perspective of life changes in a short time. In the sixty days since the lockdown and other controlling measures kicked in and have been in place, I have been going back to the Stoic basics and it has never made so much sense as it has now. I have crossed ocenas and am now on the othe side of the world. Life changes for me as I speak. And I have indeed risked coming in contact with and getting infected through unknowns (God knows who had what virus in those cramped airports and fully-packed flights!). But I had to take the flight even in that dire situation. And I can't emphasize enough that somewhere in all that chaos, it was all pure luck and timing. Back home, I hear from friends and family that the virus has caught on to their neighbors. It gets personal this time, doesn't it?

All this does nothing to assuage the fear that life is totally unpredictable and unplannable, and acceptance is the only way forward. We can whine all about bad luck or we can accept life with equanimity. Hence there is a perspective shift from 'plan for the worst, hope for the best' to 'live for good, the here and now'. There is no plan that cannot be disrupted. Our plans may appear too good to fail, but never underestimate the power of luck and timing, and Karma.

We propose. Karma/Luck/Timing disposes. We accept. We strive. And with enough practice of acceptance, peace bestows herself upon us.

And the loop plays forever.

Reality & beauty

The reality of life is made up of our choices and compromises. The beauty of life is in finding meaning and contentment in those choices and compromises. For reality comes from the mind and is a result of logic & reasoning, while beauty comes from the heart and is a result of acceptance and wisdom

Learning how to die - A will

What isn't original or customary to our ways of living or dying need not always remain so. Among my family, extended family, friends, and social network all spanning roughly three generations, I have never once heard of any will written by anyone. But in my mind, I think it's one of the simplest ways to learn how to die, and probably live after one dies too. Not that I have read a will before or that I have been where one was read, but I have always wanted to and tried to write one myself. It's not that I'm leaving behind an empire and legacy that warrants a will to be written so that my recipients do not find it difficult to settle my estate equitably after I'm gone. I want to write one simply because I believe there is some peace to be found in it. Now that we have cleared the part about me leaving behind a non-existent empire and legacy, I don't think I need a lawyer to draft my will. I'm the master of my words! And I am just getting started!

Proud to be - or not to be - humble

Pride comes before the fall. That's blanket. What we do not get to know rightly is whether pride always comes before the fall, or do we certainly fall every time when pride gets to the head? Are praises & feelings of pride for you* from family & best friends a matter of pride for yourself? It's not a big deal for your family and your besties to feel proud of you. They know you are good and they are proud of you. They are your blood & flesh; even best friends are. I have best friends with whom I've shared a good part of my life since schooling, eating from the same plate, sleeping on the same bed, going through life's ups and downs, and also having fun together, and so on.. for two decades. You are proud of yourself because of the fact that all these people are proud of you. You feel proud and you move on. Period. In such instances there is no fall coming. This is a no-brainer. Even if you ask them openly (to remove any doubts you may have) 'are you proud of me?', they are gonna say 'of course' as if you asked 'did you sleep last night?'.

What is surprising is when acquaintances or colleagues or other friends (who are not best friends) say they are proud of you, and they mean it, when you least expect them to. That is the point of contention.

Human feelings are a puzzle in two ways.
1. The people you want to keep at arm's length or those who are not in your inner circle end up loving you and being proud of you, more than you can take. It's what I'm terming the FOOL's syndrome - the Fear Of Overwhelming Love. You do not understand the reason behind their affection/pride for you, and yet they bombard you with exactly that, growing into a fear of when & how they threaten to bury you in their affection, pride, and ultimately their love for you, so much that you break the chain with them. (Come on, I'm kidding. Nobody's like that these days!).

2. The people you expect to love you, or to be proud of you, are not there yet. Let me first of all warn that such expectations are the enemy of inner peace. Despite that, as feeling beings, you expect a great majority of your acquaintances to be proud of you. Sometimes you expect more and sometimes less. But you almost always expect. And when once in a while such expectations become a reality, you are proud of yourself. That pride is what surprises me all the more!

If you don't accept, acknowledge and feel humbled by their feeling of pride for you, you become cynics and recluses. And so you fall. If you do accept them, you become self-glorifying, and sometimes even arrogant, basking in the thought that you reign supreme in their hearts. And so you fall, again. The huge space between these extremes is a fully grey area, and somewhere in that grey area is where humility lies, I think. In such instances, it would help for us to be proud of ourselves, just to ourselves, and just enough to keep our head high in our heart's eyes, no more no less. Isn't that enough? And that moment of self-humility radiates universally, and is a thing to be certainly proud of! I think humility is by far the most important and, at the same time, the most underrated virtue.

* - 2nd person singular throughout the post is simply for convenience of conveying the message!

Better late than later...

Happy New Year and Happy Pongal wishes to y'all, belated though!

Over the course of the last few roller-coaster years, I have realized that ambitious resolutions in the new year generally don't take me far when I take stock at the end of the year. I'd rather have some blend of the SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound! Yes, management jargon. No one I know has mastered them, let's at least use it in language). So, I have a few simple resolutions for 2020 that have at least one or two of the 5 smart aspects combined. And I'm late by 3 days on one of the resolutions. But that's fine. I'd rather do it late than a little later (hence the title!). At the end of the year, I'll let you guess what that is.

This year I'm gonna travel. Except that it'd be across time zones, I don't exactly how far or how often, except one. But I'm sure it'll be a year of travelearning (bingo, i just had this pop up extempore to mean 'learning from travel experiences'!). 2019 had a few bumpy crossroads in sight on the professional side, when I could have taken on a new path, when I was ready to test the dirt & gravel on the unpaved roads leading to I don't know where. But I was lured back to the normalcy of the finely-laid, well-marked tar road of the mundane salaried-job! But I think I have waited enough this time. I will hit the dirt and see what I have to face.

As I take on the challenges I can and cannot foresee yet, I'll try my best to let myself be guided, consciously and conscientiously, by four principles below. One Advaitin, one Confucianism, one Haruki Murakami and one anon (in that order).

1. Aham Brahmaasmi
2. It doesn't matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop
3. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional
4. Tomorrow you will wish you had started today

There! Done. Once in a while I know I stray off, but the lights are in the mind to guide back to the paths! I hope some of these help you in your endeavors too!

Welcome to the New Year!

How long till the next?

Now what?

This was the first thought that occurred to me last Sunday morning, the 100th day of running for the 2019 edition of the 100daysofrunning challenge. I had gone past my target of 512 kms on the 99th day. So, I ran the 100th day at peace. I could not comprehend my own thoughts on that day. Is it a good thing to complete a target comfortably and feel empty on the finish line, or is it a good thing to keep the target in sight till the end and feel the finishing touch right at the last moment? Actually, I could've done 550 if I wanted to. I had the days and I had fuel left in me. But 512 sounded fine enough. On retrospect, I could not help wondering that I have felt the same way almost always, all along my life. I'm a procrastinator.. big time! But I somehow manage to finish things on time, in the end. Things have worked just fine, as long as it is on time. What starts to occupy my mind thereafter is 'now what'.

I don't remember the exact moment when, many years ago, in a flash, I felt living up to 50 would be a decent enough life. It's a brief memory, but one that is very deeply ingrained. I vaguely remember my thoughts on half-life that I penned down at 25. I used to write a lot then. A lot of poetry (thank God I've taken out most of them from here), a lot of self-discovered philosophical scribblings. I read quite a bit too - some Russell, some Nietzsche, some Somerset Maugham, some fiction. All of this in the middle of my MBA, with a lot of time still left for family, my first nephew, friends and college life. Nine years later, I'm a changed man, only with the longings of what all I could have done in 9 long years since. There's been a constant hunger for leading a different life. But it's not an insatiable one. Every 30 days, the hunger is fed with salary, and there's a good week's sleep. Then the hunger returns the next week to remain for the further three, and then it's satiated again. This for the last 9 years. Man, what a life!

Now I'm caught in a conundrum between the young and the old. 34 is what? Young or old? At my workplace, I see both ends of the spectrum. In the industry I'm in, 25 is a good start for a management graduate from a prestigious B-school, with no student loans, to call her/himself a consultant (now whatever the hell that means.. many in my encounter have been just dumb! We haven't needed a lot of consulting from our own consultants!). And I see the potential they could reach in 10 years, only if they were sincere and ambitious enough (which is what their prestigious B-school is supposed to teach them!). On the other end, I see 45-somethings, the few friendly and open types, lament about what they could do if they were 34 and had 10 more years to be where they are now, without their many EMIs, of course!

You see, my problem is not wanting to be 25 now again or let the years pass by to when I'm 45, satiated by salary till then, and then start longing for 35! The point is to find a way out of the mess now. I could get out, any moment. Someday soon I would. My problem is passion. I don't have just one, but many, and so I don't have one! A man passionate about many things is not passionate about one thing! Or can he be? Too many passions arise from too much freedom. For the most part, I have been responsible with most of my freedom, and that's taken me on a proper and safe journey with many fellow travellers. But it's not adventurous! It's the little extra freedom that provides for eccentricities that are adventurous and are hard to resist. That's what goes on in my head all the time - which of these eccentric passions to choose and which adventure to take. And if I end up with one, how long it will be before the next one raises its head? Shouldn't life be either one great adventure or many little ones, instead of just proper and safe?

Run... come what may

Come what may...

This is the idea behind 100 days of running (HDOR) -  a challenge I've taken up for the 2nd time in 3 years. To me, more than fitness, it's a means to improve consistency, in running and gradually in other habits too. I used to be a person who got bored easily with routine - whether it was work or personal things. In a way, picking up running as my sport has helped me deal with routine in a sportive and a little bit more interesting way. As soon as I crossed the habitual milestone (the time after which an activity becomes a habit and the anxiety of having to stick to a daily plan for it vanishes) in anything I did, the habit gets set and so does the routine.

What I have come to realize, not just in running but generally in any activity, is that a lack of surprise stimulus (just coined this term, for lack of a better sounding and interesting word) turns a habit into boredom rapidly. Thereafter, it is sheer routine, and more routine, as a force of habit (like work!). And so, after 35+ days, HDOR was becoming uninteresting. After all, what could be so much fun about running 3 kms everyday? But something in me kept me going with this routine, awaiting a surprise stimulus, or even a miracle, that would make all the running worth its while. It didn't come, no stimulus or miracle.

Just before HDOR kicked off, our bunch of running friends decided to sign up for the SHHM, a half marathon up and down the Satara hill in Maharashtra, in August. This would be the first time for most of us, so you can imagine the enthusiasm and all. Our bunch of runners signed up with a coach to train for the run. I preferred to train alone and excused myself, only because there were days of rest built into the training, and I didn't want it to interfere with HDOR. To me, HDOR meant running all the 100 days, even though HDOR itself counts rest days in the 100 days, which I had not read earlier (you see, the relaxations in the rules do matter!). So, in retrospect, my resolve to run all 100 days is the first surprise stimulus I had given myself, unaware of it then.

I generally intend to focus more on strength training and so I decided to keep my running limited for this edition. At around the 35th day, which was my habitual milestone for HDOR, I wasn't strength-training much. So I thought I'd at least run better and longer this year. And so, regardless of how it was to be done, I set 512 kms as the target for 2019's HDOR (I did 511.5 kms in 2017). Around the same time, it struck me that I had been running just about 3-4 kms a day, and would end up way short of 512 Kms if I continued to run with that lackadaisical attitude. I shouldn't be running a hundred days for the sake of it. I should be running for the love of it. So, renewed targets. 6 kms every day at the least for the remaining 60+ days. As part of the prep for SHHM, our guys planned to do 15 kms once every week on flat roads or 10 kms on a nearby hill, only shorter and smaller than Satara but did the trick of simulation training. We did this mostly on Saturdays, and sometimes on Sundays. That took care of the daily average needed to be maintained. So I still had the luxury to run just about 4 kms during some weekdays. This routine took care of the next 7-8 weeks. Another 50 days covered, you see. Also, I made my personal best running month in June - 153 kms.

July is a good time for runners in Chennai. That's when the city starts to turn around from hottest to hotter. A few short showers show up, thanks to the Southwest monsoon for some mercy (July rains in Chennai are still in deficit every year, not as much rains as the monsoon should be bringing). But that is enough for a nature-loving, outdoorsy runner to look up to the rest of the year. So, naturally for me, it was a good feeling about the remaining days of HDOR.

Day 80 - I skipped the morning run as I had an errand to take care of early in the morning before shooting off to work. By evening, the skies had grown dark and there was clear signs of rain. Sure enough, it started to drizzle on and off at around 8 PM. I had just gotten back home and was anxious if I'd miss a day so close towards the end. By 930PM it hadn't slowed down. But something told me to hit the beach to run and I started off.

God is in the rains as much as in the absence of rains, in lighting and in thunder

नमो वर्ष्याय च अवर्ष्याय च;

नमो मेघ्याय च विध्युथ्याय च; 

नमो वात्याय च रेष्मियाय च  -

(Namo varshyaaya cha avarshyaaya cha; namo meghyaaya cha vidhyuthyaaya cha; namo vaathyaaya cha reshmiyaaya cha;) 

Salutations to him [Lord Rudra] who is in rain water and who is also in places where it does not rain; Salutations to him who is in the clouds and who is also in lightning; Salutations to him who is in the form of rainy storm and to him who is in the form of dry hoarse wind -

Sri Rudram)

 At 10PM, the beach was empty. Not a soul around, save a few dogs, the inhabitants and rulers of that stretch. That night, it all happened. By far, it was the loudest and brightest night I had ever come across in my life, really. The sky roared and shone and poured so much that it was a real physical pain to my eyes to see the asphalt from which the lightning reflected immensely, to my ears to be open to the loudest bangs, and to my head to bear the brunt of the heavy shower. For a few moments, I was even afraid, to put the thing in perspective! It was half an hour of earth shattering grandeur that would put any doubtful mind to rest of the presence of a Power Above. I have never been more thankful for being able to run and witness a spectacle like that.

I came home an elated man that He had intended me to experience running that night, in ways like never before. If that isn't "run... come what may", nothing will ever be. Who knows, you may end up with a miracle as your legs tire and stop, but your beating heart doesn't slow down!

A runner's guilt

There could have been a better title for this post. Still I'm intentionally keeping it this way, for the directional intent of where this is coming from. But it is not all negative. Go on.

As I write, I have never been in a more welcoming environment than where I am now. It's a still, cool evening. The sky is an awesome pale blue, with white patches of paper clouds here and there. A jet is tearing through the sky, leaving a trail of white fog that is cutting the sky into two. Way below that, and just above my head, all kinds of birds are heading home, the sound of pleasure in their chirps. So I'd like to think. My favorites are the cuckoo couple - the red-bead-eyed black male and the white-grey spotted female, and the innumerable companies of parrots that glide past my terrace everyday right about this time. It's a kind of serene calm now even amidst the constant chirps. So that's the setting now in which I'm retrospecting. 

I seem to be in a perennial writer's block when I try to think of a new idea or frame a new social concept or philosophy to write about. Those days just seem to be gone for a while now. I'm trying to operate on that mode of thought and feeling. If I could, I would instill a pace-maker to that part of the heart that works on these areas to beat normally! That is, if there ever is such a part in the heart like the different parts of the brain (as if I'm using those effectively!!). 

And so, the simplest thing to get me writing is to do with running. I love running, so I have no block or problem writing about it. Tomorrow would mark the first time in 24 months that I would have run 150 kms in a month. This is the second full month in the '100 Days of Running' challenge for 2019. (I ran 125 kms in May). The last time I clocked 150+ was June 2017 during that year's 100DoR. My mind went back to the circumstances of that year's challenge. It was a run-rage that I took on, in some serious testing times of my personal life. And today I reflect on how much things have changed since. Back then, the running used to cure me of negativism. Now, it keeps me composed and contained from too much positivism. In both cases, it has just helped me stay on track. And this is the guilt that has captured me now. Why is my running becoming a refuge or a neutralizer to just keep me normal? Why is my running keeping me normal and not elevating me as a person? How could I love something that is just normal? Or is it because my running cures and contains me that is making me love it more? Or to simply state - Why am I not running for the love of it, if I truly did love it?

I'm only reminded of Haruki Murakami's golden words that still keep me going about running - "I'm not a great runner, but I'm definitely a strong runner". No one could state it simpler and more powerfully than this, to keep someone like me running. By God's grace, I have never been left wanting for strength, at least when it comes to running since I picked it up as the sport for me four years ago. That strength will be enough to overcome the guilt and embrace love, my love for running. And that strength is enough to keep this lone wolf going! 

The great and the invincible

Every time a man realizes his mistake, and people forgive him for that and take him in again, he becomes great by way of imparting his knowledge to them of how not to commit that mistake again. His experience is their teacher, and in that, he becomes their teacher! But, every time a man realizes his mistake, and people don't forgive him for that nor take him in again, and still he goes about imparting that knowledge to the very unforgiving lot, he becomes invincible. For, in the former, his greatness is a result of the debt paid more than full to the others' forgiveness, but in the latter, his invincibility is a result of a debt that does not exist but is still paid to even the unforgiving.

Now, isn't that a justification good enough to keep committing new mistakes?!